There’s nothing like spending Christmas at the hospital to put things in perspective.

I can’t lie, this year I had a bad attitude in the twelve days before Christmas. There were no French hens, turtle doves or Lords-a-leaping. Stress and pressure overwhelmed me to the point that I didn’t find myself even  looking forward to the Yuletide. I just wanted it to go away so that I could get back to my regular life.

In addition to all the regular holiday stressors, as my husband and I compared calendars, we saw that we would have his son Luke on Christmas Eve/Christmas morning, and my son Jake late morning and afternoon Christmas Day.  Which is to say, there would be little or no overlap for us to celebrate together as a family. This made me sad.

When we have these scheduling glitches, my husband usually looks to me to negotiate a fix with my ex, because I have a good relationship with my ex, whereas DH and his former wife couldn’t calmly discuss changing a roll of toilet paper.

Nonetheless, it strikes me as unfair that I have to be the one to continually compromise with my ex, that I have to be the one to make all the changes, call in  favors and disrupt my ex’s/stepmom’s lives simply because the two of us have done the very hard work necessary to build a civil, constructive relationship while my husband and his former wife haven’t successfully done that. But being a good soldier, I called up the ex and we talked. And it didn’t go well. Not that we were nasty to each other, but just that we each really wanted our kid at the same time and there were no easy solutions. Long story short, by the time we finished our negotiations, my situation was worse worse than when I started! Argghhh!

On top of that, my husband volunteered us to host his family on Christmas Day without talking to me first. You know what?  I love, love, love his sisters, Occasionally, my husband gets on my ever-last nerve and I fantasize picking up the phone to call the divorce attorney. And then I remember Joan, Mary and Connie and I slowly replace the phone in the cradle while calling on deep, forgotten reserves of strength to make my marriage work. I love my in-laws, and at any other time I promise you, I would love to have them over.I just wouldn’t have chosen to invite them on a day as chaotic and unpredictable as Christmas. To make it worse, he and his family quickly settled on a 1:00 p.m kick-off without he and I having the chance to think that through or talk it over. At that point, my hubby and I still had no fricking idea when and if we would have the kids. Or whether I would need to suddenly abandon dinner preparations to drive up to  Baltimore to retrieve my son, leaving my guests with half-cooked potatoes and no drinks.

Christmas Eve, I took the boys to a friends house for a holiday dessert party. Hubby stayed home because he hadn’t been feeling well; he had in fact visited Urgent Care earlier that day. Despite leaving him at home, I very much enjoyed being with my friend and her husband, another couple and our combined six boys.

The next morning, my husband woke me at 5:00 and asked me to take him to the emergency room for abdominal pain. And so we spent Christmas Day at the hospital. My son had been picked up by my ex after the party the night before, but SS was still sleeping, visions of sugar plums–or the teenage version of that–dancing in his head. In between tests and consults with doctors, I ran home a couple times to check on him  and we arranged for his mom to pick him up early.  After  eight or ten hours in the ER, DH was admitted and transferred to a room.

It was a very strange Christmas. I could have said, “Christmas is ruined!” but the reality was, I had to make the most of the situation I was given. And so I tried really hard to have a good attitude. I was very patient, I used humor to lighten things, I brought holiday decorations from home for his room as well as gifts for us all to open the day after Christmas, and I just tried in whatever way possible not to add any more stress to a less-than-ideal situation.

And most of all, I was left with a sense of what truly matters, which is love and family and my husband’s health. Suddenly all the stress and worries of the previous weeks melted away. And in an instant, they all seemed so unnecessary and silly. What did it matter if my house wasn’t picture-perfect or if I had a few last-minute gifts to buy? So what if we didn’t have the boys on the same time on Christmas Day?

December 25th is just a day. But the spirit of Christmas can be celebrated all year long.

Today, I enjoyed an intriguing FaceBook mom/stepmom thread about boundaries. All co-parents need to create and protect certain boundaries from time-to-time. For the mom, an important boundary might be that the stepmom doesn’t drastically cut the daughter’s hairstyle or pierce her ears without the mom’s  approval. A common stepmom boundary might stipulate the mom does not enter the father/stepmom’s home without invitation.

Several women in the discussion said that boundaries only work if the other person agrees to them. I don’t think that’s necessarily true. As an example, I will share a unilateral boundary I set with my husband.

The issue at hand may seem small, but it used to drive me crazy. My husband (DH) works  most evenings as a soccer coach. His schedule constantly changes with extra meetings or weather cancellations. Any given night, I had no idea whether he would be home at 4:00, 7:00 or 10:00. I repeatedly asked him to let me know if he would be home for dinner so that I knew if I was cooking for two people or four; if I could cook things that only my son and I like or, conversely, prepare things that appeal to everyone; whether I can cook with ingredients DH is allergic to (garlic, shellfish) or things DH dislikes (hot peppers.) In addition, in our house, generally one party cooks and the other takes care of dishes and kitchen clean-up. It really irritated me that I would cook a family dinner and because DH was a no-show, I was left to wash the dishes, clean off the counters and stove, as well as package the leftovers for my lunch the following day. And then when I was done with all that work, he would waltz through the door at 8 p.m. and casually eat my leftovers lunch without contributing any effort whatsover toward the meal I’d worked so hard to create. I must have asked 15 different ways for him to communicate his evening plans so I could coordinate accordingly. I pleaded, I begged, I nagged (etc.) for years and got absolutely no-where until I set a boundary.

This is the boundary that finally made a difference.

Please notice that it has two parts:

“If you let me know you will be home for dinner before I start cooking, then I will prepare a delicious meal and I will plan enough food for you, taking into account all your dietary preferences and needs. On the other hand, if you do not communicate your evening plans with me, I will only cook for myself and Jake. I will cook our favorites and I will use garlic, cayenne and shellfish to my heart’s content.”

Did this boundary-setting magically change his behavior? No. But more importantly, this approach saved my sanity. I chose boundaries that were a win either way–for me. If he chose to communicate with me, I gladly included him in my dinner plans. If he chose not to communicate with me,  I enjoyed the one-on-one time with my son without worrying whether my husband was joining us or what he might like to eat.

Either way, I won.

Sometimes people set boundaries, then complain that “it didn’t work” because the other person failed to act in the manner hoped. But that’s entirely missing the point. The point of boundary-setting is not to control a person’s behavior or choices, it’s to save your mental health and provide you with a sense of peace. You set up a natural, positive consequence for observing the boundary and a natural, negative consequence for ignoring or violating the boundary. You ensure that the applicable consequence follows the choice, and you do so in a matter-of-fact, rather than emotional, reactive way.

And then you LET IT GO. You are not hung up on their choice, you are focused on protecting yourself and your peace of mind.

Let’s think of some co-parenting examples. The way I put these in writing (in order to be clear and make a point) may not sound natural for your own speech patterns, so don’t get hung up on that. That’s not important. What matters is for *you* to figure out what your lines in the sand are, and what happens when those boundaries are either respected or trampled. Once you figure that out, you can communicate those outcomes in ways that match your natural speech rhythms.

Situation: the stepmom often finds herself taking the stepkid to doctors appointments at the last minute because the biological parents can’t. She takes time off work, spends an hour or two of her life in the waiting room, only to be criticized for the course of treatment that results.

Possible negative boundary: “If you ask me to take Eric to the doctor and I re-adjust my work schedule [at considerable inconvenience] to assist you; and you later criticize my judgment and my decisions, I will choose not to assist with those appointments in the future.”

Positive boundary: “If you need me to take Eric to the doctor and my work schedule permits, I will be glad to take him provided you a.) give me pertinent information and parameters beforehand and b.) make yourself available by phone should I need to consult you while at the clinic.”

For this to work, the stepmom needs to give up any illusion of controlling the outcome or the other person’s behavior. Instead of trying to control, she seeks out natural consequences that she can live with, regardless of outcome, and she reacts to either eventuality matter-of-factly, calmly.

Situation: The mom lets herself into your home when you are not there. You feel violated.

Positive consequence: “If you let me know you are coming, I will set aside time to welcome you in our living room/front porch/at the front door and we can address anything that needs to be discussed.”

Negative consequence: “If come into our home without our knowledge, you will not be welcomed, we will not be receptive to your errands or requests, you will have to work to re-gain our trust and we will double-lock the door to prevent it happening again.”

Situation: the kids often ignore, disparage or insult their stepmom. Then they want a ride–or their dad or mom wants the stepmom to provide transportation for the stepkids.

Positive consequence: “If we are getting along, connecting, and having fun together, I am glad to pick you up from school or help you get to basketball when I can.”

Negative consequence: “If you call me names, disparage me or insult me, I will still love you and I will still act civilly, as an adult, but I will not “put myself out there;” I will not use my free time or gas money to give you rides to your mom’s, to basketball, the movies, or anywhere else. You’ll need to figure out something else out.” [You can also re-word and direct this to your partner, letting them know you are not transporting their ungrateful, disrespectful kids.]

Again, don’t get too caught up in my verbiage. When you consider the boundaries you need to establish, think of the spirit of the message you need to get clear on and communicate, rather than fixating on words that might not work for you or sound like you.

Good luck and let me know how it goes.

My last post was about optimism and pessimism.  You may not have been born optimistic, but with some practice, you can learn optimistic behaviors and you can learn the optimistic explanatory style, which is nothing more than a fancy term for learning to view events as glass half full rather than glass half empty. When you see the world optimistically, you systematically restrict the impact of negative experiences by seeing those circumstances as temporary and limited rather than permanent and universal. In doing so, you interpret events in the most favorable light and you constantly look for opportunities to move forward.

As an example of glass half empty, we have Jazzlyn from this season’s X Factor. Jazzlyn, an attractive and amazingly talented young woman,  approaches her audition with a bundle of nerves and self doubting questions. “What if I mess up?” she asks herself. “Relax, relax, relax!” she says.  And to her family, she says, “I don’t want to let you guys down.”

Jazzlyn walks out on stage.  “Hello,” says Simon Cowell, the intimidating judge known to be callously frank in his feedback.

“Hello?????” she says back, tremulously. It is not a greeting, it is a timid question.

“How are you?”” asks Simon.

“Ex-treeeeem-ley nervous,” she responds.

“How old are you?” he asks. She tells him she’s sixteen.

“You’re 16, so you look at YouTube, is that how you’ve tried to break yourself?” Simon asks.

Panic crosses her face. “I’m sorry?”

“Have you posted your stuff on the internet?” Simon rephrases patiently.

“I posted one video,” she tells him.

“How many hits did it get?”

“I think 500. Not much.” A more optimistic response? “500. Not bad for my first attempt!”

“That’s terrible! Why so few?” Simon asks, while the other judges admonish, “Simon!!!”

“People don’t like to watch my videos, I don’t know,” she apologizes. A more optimistic response? “I need better ways to promote my music.”

Simon asks, “Do you think it was you, or the song?”

“Me,” she concludes sadly. A more optimistic response?  It was the song. Or, “It was the quality of the camera, really. My next video will have higher sound quality.”

“You’re not selling yourself here, Jazzlyn,” he tells her. I rarely agree with Simon, but I think he was right with this assessment.

After that disaster of an introduction, Jazzlyn goes on to deliver a kick-a** version of “I’m goin’ down,” by Mary J. Blige. The crowd went wild,  the judges were totally entranced. and since then, she’s garnered more than two million YouTube hits on this song alone!

Fast forward several weeks. Despite incredible promise, Jazzlyn didn’t last very long on the X Factor. In fact, she was outlived by several competitors with a fraction of her talent. What happened? Jazzlyn let her nerves get the best of her. And worse, her doubts and negative self-talk sabotaged her performance. (Which was a shame, because she was one of my personal favorites. I hope she will go on to get some coaching so that she can increase her capacity for mental toughness, resilience and optimism so that we hear a lot more of her music in the future.)

Jazzlyn was pessimistic about herself, her talent and her chances. As I wrote in my last post, often moms and stepmoms seem to express pessimism about the other woman in their lives. But if you can learn to consistently see your co-parenting life and the other mom with more optimism and hope, there’s chance those hopes may start to pay off and the way you experience your life–and Her–may actually start to change.

After all, as someone once said, optimists and pessimist are both right.

Is your glass half full?

Let me say upfront:I am not a psychologist, therapist or life coach. I am just a mom and stepmom who has studied many subjects, including optimism, since becoming a stepmom ten years ago. I started reading voraciously about optimism when, as a new stepmom, I found myself blindsided with so much pain and conflict that on any given day, I just wanted to give up.  I figured out I really needed to ramp up any natural tendencies toward optimism, or my marriage simply wouldn’t make it. I read dozens of books and articles on optimism and resilience and also studied communication and conflict resolution, both for my personal growth and in my role as a human resources professional. I was so taken by the significance of optimism that my first blog was called Optimistic HR.

In the online stepmom and co-parenting groups, much bitterness and pain is expressed daily. It is normal to experience these emotions from time to time, especially in the complex family situations we experience.

So often we don’t truly acknowledge those feelings, sit with them, really feel them, bless them and let them go, much less take a hard look at the thought process that results in us feeling hurt or wounded in the first place. Instead, we tend to stuff down our pain while automatically searching for someone to blame, which most often conveniently appears to be: HER.

One way to learn to extract ourselves from this quandary is to learn to develop more of an optimistic explanatory style, as described by such renowned experts as Martin Seligman, PhD.

What is optimism, actually? Optimism is not simply plunging your head into the sand and hoping that everything will be okay. It’s not blindly ignoring reality. It’s not necessarily naive, and it doesn’t mean passive inaction. In my own words, optimism is simply the art of continually seeing possibilities. Where pessimists give up, where they see closed doors, brick walls and hopelessness, optimists react resiliently and they think creatively and persistently, thus allowing them to find solutions and experience more success. As the saying goes, pessimists and optimists are both right; they both get what they expect.

While we may be born with a predisposition to more or less optimism, the good news is that anyone can learn to think and act/re-act in a more optimistic manner. One way to accomplish this is through developing that optimistic explanatory style I mentioned. When faced with a challenge or set-back, optimists use self-talk that interprets negative circumstances in the most hopeful, temporary and specific ways possible, allowing them to isolate and limit  the threat and respond and move on in a more positive way. Let me give you some examples.

When something bad happens…

You can see conditions as temporary or permanent

Pessimistic: “He’s just a grumpy, sad person.”
Optimistic: “He seems a little cranky today. Maybe he didn’t sleep well last night”

Pessimistic: “Stepparenting sucks. It’ll never get better. I want out.”
Optimistic: “That really hurt. But I’m going to get a good night’s sleep and we can all start over tomorrow.”

Pessimistic: “She’s a horrible, bitter person, and I am overwhelmed with the despair of this situation.”
Optimistic: “The divorce is still pretty recent. It’s only natural that she has some strong feelings. It’s hard for all of us right now.  She’ll eventually heal and come around.”

You can see conditions as limited or universal

Pessimistic: “She’s a terrible mom. Some people don’t even deserve to be parents.”
Optimistic: “She could be more consistent with the kids’ homework routine.But I know she loves her kids.”

Pessimistic: “She’s a selfish, manipulative, narcissistic woman who doesn’t care about her kids.”
Optimistic: “Right now, she’s trying to balance being a single mom with re-establishing herself as a single woman. That can’t be easy.”

You can see conditions as hopeful or hopeless

Pessimistic: “She set out to ruin my entire day again. As usual!  What else could I expect from her?”
Optimistic: “We had a miscommunication. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. We’ll do better next time.”

Becoming more optimistic doesn’t solve all your problems or relegate all painful emotions to the distant past. But in my opinion, perfecting this approach does reduce the scope and severity of your pain and by reducing the amount of reactivity you express to others, may even help improve your relationship with your children, stepkids, ex and the other mom.

What about you? Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Have you found yourself becoming more pessimistic since entering your step-parenting or co-parenting journey? Could developing a more optimistic explanatory style enhance your life in any way?

To learn more about optimism, resilience and the study of positive emotions, check out Pennsylvania University’s Positive Psychology website.

Photo by WxMom

If you’re a divorced parent or stepparent, you have lots of opportunities to “re-frame” the challenging situations that frequently face you.

What is re-framing?  I’m sure there are many fancy definitions on psychology websites, but this is my version:

In and of themselves, most situations are not inherently negative or positive; rather, we could come up with an almost unlimited number of explanations and interpretations for any series of events. In my mind, re-framing is choosing explanations that promote peace, happiness and transformation in your life and in the lives of the people you love.

Here’s an example from my day. My friend and I agreed to meet an hour before a conference so we’d have time to catch up before sessions started. When the time came, she wasn’t there. I emailed her and while I waited for a response, my reactions could have included any of the following, as well as many more:

a. Feeling hurt and slighted. I can’t believe she would forget our appointment or disrespect my time!
b. Feeling anxious about the friendship. Maybe she doesn’t value our relationship…
c. Feeling embarrassed about sitting alone waiting. This is so uncomfortable!
d. Feeling angry about “wasted” time. All the things I could be doing right now!
e. Feeling calm and at peace. Hey, here’s an unexpected extra hour of “me” time that dropped into my lap out of nowhere.

Which would you choose? I might not always feel this way, but today I chose E.  After all, “not enough time” is arguably one of the top two complaints of moms everywhere, whether they are ‘stay-at-home’ or employed outside the home. Today, unexpectedly, I was suddenly blessed with sixty minutes with no demands, no expectations and no laundry! Although I was disappointed not to connect with my friend, I said a silent “thank you” and enjoyed myself drinking coffee, relaxing, messaging friends on my phone, day-dreaming, and  just hanging out in a state of extreme contentedness.

As I share this re-framing story, I think it’s important to acknowledge the level of emotion in this particular situation was very low. It’s obviously much harder to stay objective and to calmly re-frame when you’re in a co-parenting or step-parenting situation when the emotions run so much higher, there is a history that includes pain and hurt, and parties feel a wary distrust for each other. Still, I share the story because I think you need to start out with baby-steps. If you can successfully practice re-framing in low-stress situations, it is easier to apply the skill when the stakes are higher, such as:

-The other mom drops the kids off late, which means you’re an hour late arriving to your mom’s birthday dinner at the restaurant.

• Less helpful interpretation: I can’t believe she went out of her way to totally screw up our special day, again, as usual!!!  What a b*****!
• Re-framing:  Okay, this is frustrating, but it’s not the end of the world. I’ll call my sister to place our dinner orders so we can join everyone for the entrees. I’m not going to let her lateness spoil my day.

-The other household wants the kids for Thanksgiving at the exact same time as your family’s holiday dinner.

• Less helpful interpretation: I can’t believe they are trying to screw us out of our family time again! How selfish! But what else would I expect from them? This is par for the course!
• Re-framing:  I’m disappointed, but it’s only natural that we all want the kids at the same time, which is to say early afternoon on Thanksgiving day.  How can I salvage this? Is there a solution that would meet every one’s needs? Or do we need to take turns from year to year?

-Your son/stepson Brian came back once again minus his homework, his jacket and the iPod you purchased.

• Less helpful interpretation: She is on my ever-last nerve! Doesn’t she care about her son’s education? Not to mention that we don’t have a lot of money  because we’re still sending her child support (God knows what she does with it, probably spends it on manicures and shoes) and we don’t appreciate it when the items we work so hard to buy are so wantonly neglected.
• Re-framing: Okay, this is frustrating. Let me take a deep breath before I react. Let me think about how best to approach this so that we can both be on the same page for Brian. What can I do on my end to prevent these losses?

As I write this, I anticipate that a number of people will write in saying that these suggestions might be fine for others, but they won’t work in their own particular situation because the other mom (or ex) truly is irrational,  hopeless, or psychotic.  I won’t argue because I don’t know your situation. I’m not saying you have to try these ideas. Use these concepts if they are helpful and bring you more peace of mind. If not, let them go. I’m not here to add extra stress to your life!

photo by Pete Ashton

Returning home after a weekend women’s retreat, I stepped into my house and was surprised to hear my husband’s ex-wife Elena’s voice.

“I’ll clean your house for $100,” Elena was saying. “I’m trying to make money for Christmas.”

As I walked deeper into my home, I saw it was sorely in need of attention. I can’t lie, it was downright dirty. In the kitchen, autumn leaves and clumps of grass had been tracked in from the back door. Spare change littered the floor, a raisin was smooshed into the tiles and unwashed dishes adorned the counter. To my dismay, the bathroom was cluttered  with boys’ discarded clothing, splatters marked the mirror,  toothpaste stains covered the sink.

I was chagrined and embarrassed. Our home was so dirty that my stepson’s mom suggested cleaning it for a hundred bucks! Stepmoms will understand this;  the thought of having the other woman clean our house violates so many boundaries that [no offense to her], my reaction was ick, what are you thinking?!

That said, I had to check my own thinking and question my own assumptions. It would be easy to conclude this: you offer to clean my dirty house? Okay, I can recognize an insult when I hear one! That was such a dig! I take offense…and I will respond accordingly!

Similarly, it would be easy to judge her for failing to have a more defined sense of what I might  see as healthy and appropriate boundaries in a divorced/remarried dynamic.

I could have come to those or any number of other conclusions. So, what I did was take a deep breath…and a second deep breath…and then, after calming myself, I re-framed the situation.  Rather than deciding that she is insulting me and my housekeeping, I landed on this instead:  here is a woman who wants to make extra money so her loved ones have a special, memorable Christmas; a person starting a side business to support her dream;  an entrepreneur promoting her business at every opportunity, no matter how unlikely,  knowing that the vast majority of attempts end in rejection.

Elena is taking a risk, she is taking a chance. And it really is more about her  and not so much about me. It is less about me, it is less about the house that descended into squalor in my absence.

I can’t deny that my ego wants to be seen as a wonderful mom, good housekeeper, a multi-tasker; in fact, so talented a wife that the house would remain clean and orderly even when I’m gone. But that’s not what happened. I came back and our house was trashed and I felt humiliated when the ex dropped by unannounced.

And when my ego was hurt, I looked for ways to explain and blame.

Often when we have a reaction like this, we don’t even question it. Even worse, we often conveniently shift responsibility to the other person/other mom instead of looking deeper and questioning our patterns and responses.

If you take anything away from this story, I hope you will challenge yourself to catch and question your own judgments and assumptions about the other mom and about the situations in which you find yourself.  If you can accomplish that, you may grow to see her in a more neutral, generous or peaceful light.

Which may mean more peace in your own heart, more peace in your own life.

I caught up with my husband’s sister at a recent family dinner. She outlined her latest gardening and work projects and I told her about my online mom/stepmom connections, my stepmom blog, and my hope to help bring the two mom camps together after witnessing so much bitterness, hatred and acrimony between the two “sides.”

Abruptly, I realized my stepson Luke had materialized and  was listening very intently. After half an hour of completely tuning out the boring grown-up conversation, he was suddenly right in front of us.

Integrity is doing the right thing regardless of whether anyone is looking

“So moms and stepmoms hate each other? They don’t get along?” he asked. There was an unusual intensity in his eyes. I got the sense the conversation was of personal interest.

“I get along great with Jake’s stepmom,” I assured him. “And you know I get along with your mom. But sometimes families don’t work that way. Sometimes the moms don’t accept the stepmoms–or the stepmoms feel threatened by the moms. And then the kids suffer.” I stressed that all the parents should work together for the kids.

He nodded his agreement. And then the conversation moved on to something else.

I hadn’t meant for Luke to overhear me. Not that I said anything wrong, but if  I’d noticed him listening, believe me, I would have been extra careful what I said and how I phrased it.

I didn’t intend for him to be a part of the conversation. But he was, and maybe it was all for the best. He heard me discussing my vision to improve the lives of children by encouraging the adults in their lives to cooperate, be civil and put the children’s well-being first.

He caught me saying the right thing.

And I thought to myself, please, let all of us strive to say the right thing, let all of us strive to do the right thing. Let all of us act in such a way that whenever our children and stepchildren surprise us, whenever they appear out of nowhere or glance over our shoulder at the computer, they will always catch us affirming their other parent/stepparent rather than seeing us bash them or dismiss the relationship.

Please. For the children.

photo by l.i.l.l.i.a.n

Last year I bought a new car, keeping my old Saturn to hand off to my teenage son, “Jake.” We had to jump-start the old car three times in as many months; the final time, the jumper cables failed to resuscitate. My trusty Saturn was dead.

I knew it needed a new battery. My hubby and I no longer carry AAA because our new cars have roadside assistance. That meant I would need to get my car towed to a garage for the new battery. (Can you say ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching?)

“How hard is it to put in a new car battery?” I asked my husband.

“Not that hard,” he said. “I’ve done it.”

A couple weeks went by and I was busy with a women’s retreat, traveling with hubby,  family get-togethers and work. I was just too busy to work on the car! Or so I told myself. Yes, I was busy and had traveled twice. But also, I was procrastinating because I was scared of the project.  Finally Jake and I went out and bought the battery. Then we watched several YouTube videos demonstrating and explaining the whole transplant procedure.

We gathered our wrenches and went out to the Saturn. I liked to think we walked in slow motion, wielding our tools, the wind in our hair like two action adventure heroes ready to tackle our mission.

I’d like to think that, but the truth is I didn’t feel strong and confident like a heroine of the big screen. Instead, I felt like a little girl. Intimidated. I felt so clumsy fumbling with the wrenches. And the battery in my car looked nothing like the ones on YouTube. The attachments were different, the battery went in on its side rather than top side up, and the bracket holding it included some very awkwardly placed bolts that were very difficult to reach.

I was out of my comfort zone, but we pushed on. A neighbor came to lend us his socket wrench set. Jake worked on removing the bracket while I disconnected the battery terminals as I had learned from YouTube, first the negative, then the positive.

Finally we got everything disconnected. We lifted out the old battery, placed the new one in and reconnected the positive and negative terminals. Jake ran to get the car keys and excitedly jumped in the driver’s seat for the big moment. I watched nervously, torn between making the drum roll sound while quickly praying “Please, God, don’t let it blow up!”

As the engine sprang to life with a roar, a huge smile covered Jake’s  face. “We did it!” we laughed, giving each other a big high five. As we gathered up our tools, we both expressed pride in our accomplishment and relief at our success. It was an uplifting conclusion to our weekend. It gave us a boost of energy and confidence in our abilities to solve problems and take care of ourselves.

The point of this article is not to suggest you need to install your own car parts or anything like that. It’s just to encourage you to step out of your comfort zone sometime this week and try something a little different. Maybe it’s taking a Zumba or spinning class. Trying something new to surprise and delight your significant other. Speaking up in a meeting when you’re usually quiet. Offering to present on behalf of your team instead of waiting for someone else to step forward. Confronting a fear. Giving the other mom a smile or the benefit of the doubt. Trying an exotic new cuisine or fruit.

You don’t have to go sky diving (unless of course you want to) or re-roof your house. Just try something a little different. Push yourself a little.

And let me know how it goes. Is there value in stepping out to try something new?

photo by teachernz

I’ve been involved in the online stepmom community for about a year and it’s been interesting.

Well, choosing “interesting” as an adjective is like saying the Empire State building is tall. Or that fire is warm. It’s been way beyond interesting. It’s been a roller coaster experience. I’ve felt deep connection, support and understanding. And occasional rejection. Alarm. Gratification. Concern. Community. Frustration.

One frustration is that many stepmoms continually bash biomoms (conveniently abbreviated as BM).  If you listen to stepmoms, you have the impression that thousands of times, without exception, first marriages just happen to involve psychotic bitches, while second marriages invariably occur with angels. I’m sorry, but even allowing for the fact that hubby may have learned something between wife 1.0 and 2.0, it’s just not statistically likely.

That said, I do think stepmoms have valid complaints about moms. Often, moms seem to have an extreme need to try to control. Although reality suggests otherwise, they do not want to accept that another woman is in their former husband’s life. They do not want to accept that another woman is helping to raise their child.  And they cannot accept that their children may grow to care about, even love this woman and see possibly see her as a mom-like figure.

They do not want to share the stage. They feel threatened.

Instead of welcoming the stepmom as an ally, rather than seeing her as someone who cares about and can help look out for their child when at the dad’s house, many moms seem to see the new partner or wife as a threat, the enemy, the devil incarnate. They may try to disparage her, ignore her, sabotage her, discredit her; or, in the most extreme cases, manipulate and poison their children’s minds against her rather than accepting her.

This is really sick! It is wrong and twisted on so many levels. Moms should be helping their kids adapt to, feel secure in,  and thrive in the realities of their new lives. They (or anyone else) should never be asking the kids to  pick sides. They should never apply pressure (subtly or otherwise) to prefer one parent or home better than the other, or to dislike a new partner based on their own insecurities. All the parties involved should be on the same team to parent the children. And can I mention that children can love mom, dad, stepmom, stepdad, and a host of others, without ever running out of love? There is plenty of love to go around. As a mom myself, I have long recognized that my son’s stepmom and her extended family add value to my son’s life. She is not the enemy, she is on my side. More importantly, she is on my son’s side. She’s one more person to love,  nurture and guide him. Why would I feel threatened by that?

Moms, please think about sharing the stage.

Better yet, get off the stage completely.

You know who should really be on the stage?  Your kids.

And where should you be? You should be in the wings, offering support and encouragement. Along with your former husband and the other loving, concerned adults. Like the stepmom.

I don’t mean to be unkind, but get off the stage. It’s not about you. It’s about the kids.

photo by: Daves Portfolios

About me: I am a mom who has been a stepmom for 10 years. I am grateful for my own son’s stepmom. She and her family have enhanced my son’s life in untold ways. She truly is a bonusmom!

I’ve heard so many stepmoms proclaim, “As a girl growing up, I never dreamed of being a stepmom. I dreamed of the white dress, the big wedding to my college sweetheart. I never dreamed of being a second or third wife. I never dreamed of raising someone else’s kids. I never asked for this!”

Not only have I heard those words, but I have said them, or at least thought them.

I have thought them…on more than one occasion….with a heavy sigh, a hand to the forehead…with a little bit of drama.

Recently, I was entertaining those kinds of thoughts and I was feeling somewhat like the righteous victim. And then I remembered, hey, I’m not just a stepmom, I’m also a biomom. And as a starry-eyed girl, you wanna know what? I never dreamed of getting divorced! I never dreamed of another woman helping raise my child. I never asked for this. This is not what I wanted.

In that moment, I had a strong realization: the stepmom and the biomom are not that  different. In fact, we are two halves of the same experience, two sides of the same coin. Yet we reject and fight against each other as though we were alien beings in this journey.

But if we would realize we actually have so much in common, perhaps we would feel more empathy and experience more peace.

As my co-worker Patti says: not a sermon, just a thought.

Photo by jessamyn

I would like to acknowledge the the sentiments in this post are similar to Jenna Korf (of No One’s The Bitch)’s recent post, Divorced Moms and Stepmoms: We’re Not that Different as we were apparently thinking along similar lines but she posted first.