Today, I enjoyed an intriguing FaceBook mom/stepmom thread about boundaries. All co-parents need to create and protect certain boundaries from time-to-time. For the mom, an important boundary might be that the stepmom doesn’t drastically cut the daughter’s hairstyle or pierce her ears without the mom’s approval. A common stepmom boundary might stipulate the mom does not enter the father/stepmom’s home without invitation.
Several women in the discussion said that boundaries only work if the other person agrees to them. I don’t think that’s necessarily true. As an example, I will share a unilateral boundary I set with my husband.
The issue at hand may seem small, but it used to drive me crazy. My husband (DH) works most evenings as a soccer coach. His schedule constantly changes with extra meetings or weather cancellations. Any given night, I had no idea whether he would be home at 4:00, 7:00 or 10:00. I repeatedly asked him to let me know if he would be home for dinner so that I knew if I was cooking for two people or four; if I could cook things that only my son and I like or, conversely, prepare things that appeal to everyone; whether I can cook with ingredients DH is allergic to (garlic, shellfish) or things DH dislikes (hot peppers.) In addition, in our house, generally one party cooks and the other takes care of dishes and kitchen clean-up. It really irritated me that I would cook a family dinner and because DH was a no-show, I was left to wash the dishes, clean off the counters and stove, as well as package the leftovers for my lunch the following day. And then when I was done with all that work, he would waltz through the door at 8 p.m. and casually eat my leftovers lunch without contributing any effort whatsover toward the meal I’d worked so hard to create. I must have asked 15 different ways for him to communicate his evening plans so I could coordinate accordingly. I pleaded, I begged, I nagged (etc.) for years and got absolutely no-where until I set a boundary.
This is the boundary that finally made a difference.
Please notice that it has two parts:
“If you let me know you will be home for dinner before I start cooking, then I will prepare a delicious meal and I will plan enough food for you, taking into account all your dietary preferences and needs. On the other hand, if you do not communicate your evening plans with me, I will only cook for myself and Jake. I will cook our favorites and I will use garlic, cayenne and shellfish to my heart’s content.”
Did this boundary-setting magically change his behavior? No. But more importantly, this approach saved my sanity. I chose boundaries that were a win either way–for me. If he chose to communicate with me, I gladly included him in my dinner plans. If he chose not to communicate with me, I enjoyed the one-on-one time with my son without worrying whether my husband was joining us or what he might like to eat.
Either way, I won.
Sometimes people set boundaries, then complain that “it didn’t work” because the other person failed to act in the manner hoped. But that’s entirely missing the point. The point of boundary-setting is not to control a person’s behavior or choices, it’s to save your mental health and provide you with a sense of peace. You set up a natural, positive consequence for observing the boundary and a natural, negative consequence for ignoring or violating the boundary. You ensure that the applicable consequence follows the choice, and you do so in a matter-of-fact, rather than emotional, reactive way.
And then you LET IT GO. You are not hung up on their choice, you are focused on protecting yourself and your peace of mind.
Let’s think of some co-parenting examples. The way I put these in writing (in order to be clear and make a point) may not sound natural for your own speech patterns, so don’t get hung up on that. That’s not important. What matters is for *you* to figure out what your lines in the sand are, and what happens when those boundaries are either respected or trampled. Once you figure that out, you can communicate those outcomes in ways that match your natural speech rhythms.
Situation: the stepmom often finds herself taking the stepkid to doctors appointments at the last minute because the biological parents can’t. She takes time off work, spends an hour or two of her life in the waiting room, only to be criticized for the course of treatment that results.
Possible negative boundary: “If you ask me to take Eric to the doctor and I re-adjust my work schedule [at considerable inconvenience] to assist you; and you later criticize my judgment and my decisions, I will choose not to assist with those appointments in the future.”
Positive boundary: “If you need me to take Eric to the doctor and my work schedule permits, I will be glad to take him provided you a.) give me pertinent information and parameters beforehand and b.) make yourself available by phone should I need to consult you while at the clinic.”
For this to work, the stepmom needs to give up any illusion of controlling the outcome or the other person’s behavior. Instead of trying to control, she seeks out natural consequences that she can live with, regardless of outcome, and she reacts to either eventuality matter-of-factly, calmly.
Situation: The mom lets herself into your home when you are not there. You feel violated.
Positive consequence: “If you let me know you are coming, I will set aside time to welcome you in our living room/front porch/at the front door and we can address anything that needs to be discussed.”
Negative consequence: “If come into our home without our knowledge, you will not be welcomed, we will not be receptive to your errands or requests, you will have to work to re-gain our trust and we will double-lock the door to prevent it happening again.”
Situation: the kids often ignore, disparage or insult their stepmom. Then they want a ride–or their dad or mom wants the stepmom to provide transportation for the stepkids.
Positive consequence: “If we are getting along, connecting, and having fun together, I am glad to pick you up from school or help you get to basketball when I can.”
Negative consequence: “If you call me names, disparage me or insult me, I will still love you and I will still act civilly, as an adult, but I will not “put myself out there;” I will not use my free time or gas money to give you rides to your mom’s, to basketball, the movies, or anywhere else. You’ll need to figure out something else out.” [You can also re-word and direct this to your partner, letting them know you are not transporting their ungrateful, disrespectful kids.]
Again, don’t get too caught up in my verbiage. When you consider the boundaries you need to establish, think of the spirit of the message you need to get clear on and communicate, rather than fixating on words that might not work for you or sound like you.
Good luck and let me know how it goes.
