My last post was about optimism and pessimism. You may not have been born optimistic, but with some practice, you can learn optimistic behaviors and you can learn the optimistic explanatory style, which is nothing more than a fancy term for learning to view events as glass half full rather than glass half empty. When you see the world optimistically, you systematically restrict the impact of negative experiences by seeing those circumstances as temporary and limited rather than permanent and universal. In doing so, you interpret events in the most favorable light and you constantly look for opportunities to move forward.
As an example of glass half empty, we have Jazzlyn from this season’s X Factor. Jazzlyn, an attractive and amazingly talented young woman, approaches her audition with a bundle of nerves and self doubting questions. “What if I mess up?” she asks herself. “Relax, relax, relax!” she says. And to her family, she says, “I don’t want to let you guys down.”
Jazzlyn walks out on stage. “Hello,” says Simon Cowell, the intimidating judge known to be callously frank in his feedback.
“Hello?????” she says back, tremulously. It is not a greeting, it is a timid question.
“How are you?”” asks Simon.
“Ex-treeeeem-ley nervous,” she responds.
“How old are you?” he asks. She tells him she’s sixteen.
“You’re 16, so you look at YouTube, is that how you’ve tried to break yourself?” Simon asks.
Panic crosses her face. “I’m sorry?”
“Have you posted your stuff on the internet?” Simon rephrases patiently.
“I posted one video,” she tells him.
“How many hits did it get?”
“I think 500. Not much.” A more optimistic response? “500. Not bad for my first attempt!”
“That’s terrible! Why so few?” Simon asks, while the other judges admonish, “Simon!!!”
“People don’t like to watch my videos, I don’t know,” she apologizes. A more optimistic response? “I need better ways to promote my music.”
Simon asks, “Do you think it was you, or the song?”
“Me,” she concludes sadly. A more optimistic response? It was the song. Or, “It was the quality of the camera, really. My next video will have higher sound quality.”
“You’re not selling yourself here, Jazzlyn,” he tells her. I rarely agree with Simon, but I think he was right with this assessment.
After that disaster of an introduction, Jazzlyn goes on to deliver a kick-a** version of “I’m goin’ down,” by Mary J. Blige. The crowd went wild, the judges were totally entranced. and since then, she’s garnered more than two million YouTube hits on this song alone!
Fast forward several weeks. Despite incredible promise, Jazzlyn didn’t last very long on the X Factor. In fact, she was outlived by several competitors with a fraction of her talent. What happened? Jazzlyn let her nerves get the best of her. And worse, her doubts and negative self-talk sabotaged her performance. (Which was a shame, because she was one of my personal favorites. I hope she will go on to get some coaching so that she can increase her capacity for mental toughness, resilience and optimism so that we hear a lot more of her music in the future.)
Jazzlyn was pessimistic about herself, her talent and her chances. As I wrote in my last post, often moms and stepmoms seem to express pessimism about the other woman in their lives. But if you can learn to consistently see your co-parenting life and the other mom with more optimism and hope, there’s chance those hopes may start to pay off and the way you experience your life–and Her–may actually start to change.
After all, as someone once said, optimists and pessimist are both right.
