Is your glass half full?
Let me say upfront:I am not a psychologist, therapist or life coach. I am just a mom and stepmom who has studied many subjects, including optimism, since becoming a stepmom ten years ago. I started reading voraciously about optimism when, as a new stepmom, I found myself blindsided with so much pain and conflict that on any given day, I just wanted to give up. I figured out I really needed to ramp up any natural tendencies toward optimism, or my marriage simply wouldn’t make it. I read dozens of books and articles on optimism and resilience and also studied communication and conflict resolution, both for my personal growth and in my role as a human resources professional. I was so taken by the significance of optimism that my first blog was called Optimistic HR.
In the online stepmom and co-parenting groups, much bitterness and pain is expressed daily. It is normal to experience these emotions from time to time, especially in the complex family situations we experience.
So often we don’t truly acknowledge those feelings, sit with them, really feel them, bless them and let them go, much less take a hard look at the thought process that results in us feeling hurt or wounded in the first place. Instead, we tend to stuff down our pain while automatically searching for someone to blame, which most often conveniently appears to be: HER.
One way to learn to extract ourselves from this quandary is to learn to develop more of an optimistic explanatory style, as described by such renowned experts as Martin Seligman, PhD.
What is optimism, actually? Optimism is not simply plunging your head into the sand and hoping that everything will be okay. It’s not blindly ignoring reality. It’s not necessarily naive, and it doesn’t mean passive inaction. In my own words, optimism is simply the art of continually seeing possibilities. Where pessimists give up, where they see closed doors, brick walls and hopelessness, optimists react resiliently and they think creatively and persistently, thus allowing them to find solutions and experience more success. As the saying goes, pessimists and optimists are both right; they both get what they expect.
While we may be born with a predisposition to more or less optimism, the good news is that anyone can learn to think and act/re-act in a more optimistic manner. One way to accomplish this is through developing that optimistic explanatory style I mentioned. When faced with a challenge or set-back, optimists use self-talk that interprets negative circumstances in the most hopeful, temporary and specific ways possible, allowing them to isolate and limit the threat and respond and move on in a more positive way. Let me give you some examples.
When something bad happens…
You can see conditions as temporary or permanent
Pessimistic: “He’s just a grumpy, sad person.”
Optimistic: “He seems a little cranky today. Maybe he didn’t sleep well last night”
Pessimistic: “Stepparenting sucks. It’ll never get better. I want out.”
Optimistic: “That really hurt. But I’m going to get a good night’s sleep and we can all start over tomorrow.”
Pessimistic: “She’s a horrible, bitter person, and I am overwhelmed with the despair of this situation.”
Optimistic: “The divorce is still pretty recent. It’s only natural that she has some strong feelings. It’s hard for all of us right now. She’ll eventually heal and come around.”
You can see conditions as limited or universal
Pessimistic: “She’s a terrible mom. Some people don’t even deserve to be parents.”
Optimistic: “She could be more consistent with the kids’ homework routine.But I know she loves her kids.”
Pessimistic: “She’s a selfish, manipulative, narcissistic woman who doesn’t care about her kids.”
Optimistic: “Right now, she’s trying to balance being a single mom with re-establishing herself as a single woman. That can’t be easy.”
You can see conditions as hopeful or hopeless
Pessimistic: “She set out to ruin my entire day again. As usual! What else could I expect from her?”
Optimistic: “We had a miscommunication. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. We’ll do better next time.”
Becoming more optimistic doesn’t solve all your problems or relegate all painful emotions to the distant past. But in my opinion, perfecting this approach does reduce the scope and severity of your pain and by reducing the amount of reactivity you express to others, may even help improve your relationship with your children, stepkids, ex and the other mom.
What about you? Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Have you found yourself becoming more pessimistic since entering your step-parenting or co-parenting journey? Could developing a more optimistic explanatory style enhance your life in any way?
To learn more about optimism, resilience and the study of positive emotions, check out Pennsylvania University’s Positive Psychology website.
Photo by WxMom
