Reframing Negative Situations

If you’re a divorced parent or stepparent, you have lots of opportunities to “re-frame” the challenging situations that frequently face you.

What is re-framing?  I’m sure there are many fancy definitions on psychology websites, but this is my version:

In and of themselves, most situations are not inherently negative or positive; rather, we could come up with an almost unlimited number of explanations and interpretations for any series of events. In my mind, re-framing is choosing explanations that promote peace, happiness and transformation in your life and in the lives of the people you love.

Here’s an example from my day. My friend and I agreed to meet an hour before a conference so we’d have time to catch up before sessions started. When the time came, she wasn’t there. I emailed her and while I waited for a response, my reactions could have included any of the following, as well as many more:

a. Feeling hurt and slighted. I can’t believe she would forget our appointment or disrespect my time!
b. Feeling anxious about the friendship. Maybe she doesn’t value our relationship…
c. Feeling embarrassed about sitting alone waiting. This is so uncomfortable!
d. Feeling angry about “wasted” time. All the things I could be doing right now!
e. Feeling calm and at peace. Hey, here’s an unexpected extra hour of “me” time that dropped into my lap out of nowhere.

Which would you choose? I might not always feel this way, but today I chose E.  After all, “not enough time” is arguably one of the top two complaints of moms everywhere, whether they are ‘stay-at-home’ or employed outside the home. Today, unexpectedly, I was suddenly blessed with sixty minutes with no demands, no expectations and no laundry! Although I was disappointed not to connect with my friend, I said a silent “thank you” and enjoyed myself drinking coffee, relaxing, messaging friends on my phone, day-dreaming, and  just hanging out in a state of extreme contentedness.

As I share this re-framing story, I think it’s important to acknowledge the level of emotion in this particular situation was very low. It’s obviously much harder to stay objective and to calmly re-frame when you’re in a co-parenting or step-parenting situation when the emotions run so much higher, there is a history that includes pain and hurt, and parties feel a wary distrust for each other. Still, I share the story because I think you need to start out with baby-steps. If you can successfully practice re-framing in low-stress situations, it is easier to apply the skill when the stakes are higher, such as:

-The other mom drops the kids off late, which means you’re an hour late arriving to your mom’s birthday dinner at the restaurant.

• Less helpful interpretation: I can’t believe she went out of her way to totally screw up our special day, again, as usual!!!  What a b*****!
• Re-framing:  Okay, this is frustrating, but it’s not the end of the world. I’ll call my sister to place our dinner orders so we can join everyone for the entrees. I’m not going to let her lateness spoil my day.

-The other household wants the kids for Thanksgiving at the exact same time as your family’s holiday dinner.

• Less helpful interpretation: I can’t believe they are trying to screw us out of our family time again! How selfish! But what else would I expect from them? This is par for the course!
• Re-framing:  I’m disappointed, but it’s only natural that we all want the kids at the same time, which is to say early afternoon on Thanksgiving day.  How can I salvage this? Is there a solution that would meet every one’s needs? Or do we need to take turns from year to year?

-Your son/stepson Brian came back once again minus his homework, his jacket and the iPod you purchased.

• Less helpful interpretation: She is on my ever-last nerve! Doesn’t she care about her son’s education? Not to mention that we don’t have a lot of money  because we’re still sending her child support (God knows what she does with it, probably spends it on manicures and shoes) and we don’t appreciate it when the items we work so hard to buy are so wantonly neglected.
• Re-framing: Okay, this is frustrating. Let me take a deep breath before I react. Let me think about how best to approach this so that we can both be on the same page for Brian. What can I do on my end to prevent these losses?

As I write this, I anticipate that a number of people will write in saying that these suggestions might be fine for others, but they won’t work in their own particular situation because the other mom (or ex) truly is irrational,  hopeless, or psychotic.  I won’t argue because I don’t know your situation. I’m not saying you have to try these ideas. Use these concepts if they are helpful and bring you more peace of mind. If not, let them go. I’m not here to add extra stress to your life!

photo by Pete Ashton